I've written this post so many times in my head that I've lost count. So much has gone on - and still is going on - behind the scenes that I don't know where to start.
I guess sometimes just starting without over-thinking it is half the battle, right? So here goes...
Last year (2014), the February blahs came. At first I thought they were just due to, you know, a cold and snowy February in Ottawa. I thought that I could outsmart my way through them, but they stayed into March. I chose to go with it and embrace the "slow."
I sat in stillness. I pondered. I journalled and meditated. I welcomed it all.
I spent a lot of time sitting on this couch!
But the blahs stayed and the "slow" extended into April and May. It started getting a little uncomfortable and I started wondering if my zip would ever come back. But I conceded and continued to sit with it.
Then the vertigo started, followed by a panic attack that left me dazed and terrified at a downtown bus stop during an afternoon rush hour. That panic attack happened in May 2014 and I remember the details like it was yesterday: the fear, the crowd making its way around me as I stood paralyzed in the middle of the sidewalk, my spinning thoughts.
There have been other panic attacks since. And anxiety. And more vertigo.
My world got very small, "slow" became my M.O., hearth and home became my sanctuary.
That's why I haven't been too present here this past year. Between navigating a return to full-time work, healing whatever is asking to be healed, and trying to hold up a somewhat "normal" front for all to see, I've just been too. flipping. tired.
These two, along with our home, have been my sanctuary.
It's starting to change though, I can feel it.
This summer I took a few solo walks around the block, I went camping with friends and enjoyed it, and I started reaping benefits from the inner work I've been doing to move through it all.
Bit by bit, I am re-discovering movement, independence, adventure and the joy of connecting with my Self and Spirit.
The vertigo and panic attacks have subsided, and though it still comes and goes, the anxiety is less frequent.
It sometimes feels like it's a one step forward-two steps back kind of a thing, but as long as there is continued forward movement I am more than cool with that.
In fact, I am utterly elated and grateful.
I don't know why after all of this time I felt compelled to share this with you here today, but I did, so I went with it. Perhaps you've been through something similar or are going through it now. Perhaps I was meant to write this to let you know that you are not alone. Or perhaps I was just meant to let it out.
Whatever compelled me, I felt ready to let go of my quest for the perfect blog post and start sharing here again.
And as a wise (ahem) woman once said, sometimes - maybe even most times, just starting without over-thinking it is half the battle.